On a date with someone you’re meeting for the first
time, you have no obligation to share your medical
status. “A first date is basically to find out if this person
is worth spending any more time with,” Dr. Kalb says.
“If you have a very visible symptom—you walk with a
cane, for example—then you have a choice to explain
what it is, or not. Once you’ve decided that this is
a relationship that is worth putting some time and
effort into, that’s when I think it is important to talk,
not just about MS, but about anything about you that
is important for that other person to know. You don’t
build a very strong, sound relationship on secrets or
half-truths or lies.”
Dating Some people tell their romantic partners about MS early in the relationship. Others wait until the time is right for them.
Telling your romantic partner
In reality, says Dr. Kalb, there is sometimes reason
to be concerned about disclosing to prospective
romantic partners, regardless of age. “The fact is that
some people will run to the hills,” she says. “It’s just
extra baggage they don’t want to deal with. But many
people don’t run. I’ve been working at the Society
since 1980, and I have seen many couples get together
with MS in the picture, with one or both of them,
and it’s just one thing that a relationship has to
deal with.”
Still, some people take a chance and tell someone
early in the relationship. “Sometimes it doesn’t scare
the person away,” says Epstein. “Sometimes it does.”
Margo Wald Rubens, a divorced Detroit mother of
three, met a man using an online dating service, and
told him about her MS on their first date. “I liked
him, and he was nice, and I thought, if we continue
on together, I better tell him so he knows he can get
out at any time. And he said, ‘No big deal to me.’”
They were together until his death eight years later.
Dana Snyder-Grant, a Boston therapist, was also
forthcoming about her diagnosis from the start.
Snyder-Grant, 57, told her now-husband on their
second date, when he asked her to go for a walk. “We
started walking around the pond, and I pulled out my
collapsible cane and it dramatically unfolded. And I
said, ‘Meet my cane.’ And he asked, ‘Oh, what’s that
for?’ and I said, ‘I have MS. I’ve had it 10 years now.
This is what MS is. Symptoms can come and go. And
it’s not going to kill me. It’s just a pain in the neck.’”
Office politics
Fern Berman was used to living her life in the
headlines. At the pinnacle of a successful career in
public relations, Berman represented those at the top
of the food chain—literally. Among her clients were
Julia Child and the famous New York restaurant
Le Cirque. Berman was also out as a lesbian, and her
wedding was one of the first gay marriages covered
