Momentum - Fall 2012

In middle-class families these days, parents tend to
solve their kids’ problems rather than let them work
things out on their own. But in families with MS, the
kids learn to deal with problems themselves.

depression, sadness, loneliness and isolation. They are also more likely to actively manage stress.

Communication is key

“Success can be defined by how a family communicates and collaborates to solve the problems MS creates,” says Rintell. “Often the individual feels guilty for bringing MS into the family, that they’ll be a burden or that they need to protect the rest of the family from MS—so they may feel they should deal with the situation by themselves. They don’t communicate, they don’t give others a chance to help. The person with MS needs to share what’s going on, but in a balanced way, not talking only about MS, but not taking their condition off the table wholly.” “As MS has changed our lives, our family gets closer,” says Cheryl Rosser. “We communicate better, we talk about our feelings. I want to know what’s going on, and can we make the situation better? I want to empower the children to speak out and not feel that they’re isolated.

“It’s a family illness, very much so,” she adds. “And how it affects the family should be addressed. It’s not an isolated situation.” Roles within the family may change, with people switching tasks traditionally thought of as “Mom’s” or “Dad’s” job. Rintell suggests that as male-female roles become less distinct in society in general, it has become easier for families to cope.

“In a family where everyone is specialized, there’s not a lot of working together,” he says. “With MS, they learn to work together and become more generalist. MS is unpredictable, so you can’t schedule when a role or response can or can’t be taken on by a particular family member. Being flexible makes that easier.” Tre’ Rosser, a Society Scholar, confirms this in his own family. “My parents’ roles have kind of switched. You’d think of Mom helping with homework or cooking, but now Dad does that.” Spending enjoyable time together helps, too, even if that time may “look” different than it did before. “As people take on more responsibility, they need to nourish and replenish,” Miller comments. “But there can be a struggle if the person with MS can no longer do something that had been a big deal for the family. It might mean that you still go on ski weekends, but you take turns staying with Mom or Dad in the lodge.” Rintell suggests an “MS-free zone” for families. Time spent helping with homework, talking about school or friends or watching movies helps strengthen bonds and normalize life with MS. “You don’t want the family to feel defined by the illness,” he adds.